Brantley Gilbert Fan to Graduate High School

Brantley Gilbert fan Nat Barksdale of Covington, Georgia, recently announced that he will graduate high school this spring, making him the first Gilbert fan to do so without the aid of post-dropout GED courses.

“My counselor says it looks like I’m going to scrape by in driver’s ed and welding class and finally graduate!” said an elated Nathaniel, who will gain his 22nd credit, making him graduation-ready after six years of studious classwork. “It’s been a struggle,” he admitted, “but thanks to a couple of tutors and Brantley Gilbert’s inspirational music, I’m going to throw that mortal board (sic) in the air this May!”

“It was dicey there for a while,” said Barksdale’s frazzled guidance counselor Renny Smith, “but we finally got him off crystal meth and got him to buckle down and it looks like he’ll be out of my hair for good!” She continued: “He’s a pretty good boy, but that arson conviction in 10th grade really set him back; I’m thankful he put his nose to the grindstone and is finishing on a high note.”

After an uncomfortably long parking lot kiss from his 8th grade girlfriend, Jeanette Cosby, Nat told us: “You don’t know how happy I was to hear the word ‘graduation.’ Me and Jeanny can finally get married this summer!” Cosby, in her second trimester of pregnancy, smiled and added: “Nat’s gonna start at the A/C coil factory in June and mama’s already got us a spot picked out for the trailer.”

Strains of Brantley Gilbert’s “You Don’t Know Her Like I Do” echoed through the low-riders and Bondo-colored economy cars as the couple danced a victory waltz. Barksdale’s ‘homeboys’ stood back against a cattle-guard gate smoking and gently applauding the success of their Affliction-tshirt-clad idol.

“We’re hitting up the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert show in Orange Beach next month to celebrate!” exclaimed Barksdale, tipping back a Steel Reserve tallboy.

“Well, I’ve got to get back to Algebra 1 before I get counted tardy,” said the 20-year-old as he bid us adieu through the haze of Camel smoke.

At press time, Nat was expected to be granted a lifetime membership to the Brantley Gilbert Nation fan club for his unprecedented academic accomplishments.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Country Haiku #408

Scars heal, glory fades
And then I list more cliches
Because chicks dig it

Quotable Country – 02/19/12 Edition

Click the bullet after each quote to visit the source.

Calamity always looms in a Martina McBride song, even — or especially — when the song sounds like it should be about shopping for shoes.
- – Writing for the Los Angeles Times, Mikael Wood finds the darker undertones in a Valentine’s Day performance by Martina McBride. And this wasn’t even one of the shows where she covered Danzig.

He was a man of integrity. All through his life, he based his decisions upon morality. I believe his music is an extension of that.
- – John Carter Cash on his dad’s legacy.

But, honestly, I mean, it’s going to happen. People are going to sell fake merchandise. People are going to scalp tickets. They’re going to do it forever. At least people are scalping your tickets — at least you’re worth that much. What I mean is, if people want to pay $500 as a scalped ticket for a seat up front and are there to rock out … well … oh, well! Sorry! (laughs) I just want them in the seats.
- – Miranda Lambert takes a laissez-faire attitude toward ticket scalping… and to heck with all the fans unable to get decent seats at decent prices as a result.

Q: How do you keep touring fresh?
A: Oh, it’s not fresh. It’s hell. You know, I’ve been doing this for a long time and back when I first started touring it was a lot of fun and everything. It still is a whole lot of fun, don’t get me wrong, but now when it starts coming time to get on the road I get a little stressed out. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s what I do. It’s what – it’s my job so, you know, I get out there and I do it.
- – For one-man band Scott H. Biram, touring is a necessary evil.

It’s not for a lack of wanting to do good. I pretty much just suck honestly. I need to get better at it.
- – Justin Moore on making music. I mean, being thoughtful to his wife on Valentine’s Day.

I definitely thought I knew everything when Nickel Creek’s first record came out. I was 17 when we recorded it and 18 when it was released. That music… especially from the first two Nickel Creek records — it just sounds unbearably smug to me. The know-it-all kid in class… it’s hard for me to listen to it.
- – Chris Thile can’t stand much Nickel Creek.

When I reconnected with traditional country music I found myself, my calling. The kind that is timeless, beautiful, beyond trend, the empowering force, the reflection of a people and a culture. The kind of country music that the working man and scholars alike call home.
- – Marty Stuart, whose new album “Nashville, Volume 1: Tear the Woodpile Down” is scheduled for an April 24 release. And suddenly 2012 starts looking a lot better.

Now, Cee-Lo Green, Adam Levine and Blake Shelton have all agreed to return as well, all with substantial pay raises, according to two individuals close to the negotiations. They have arranged their schedules for a fall debut, which NBC is preparing to announce shortly.
The individuals said that Green, Levine and Shelton will see their pay roughly doubled to $6 million.
- – Blake Shelton will reportedly receive about $6 million for his participation in the next season of “The Voice.” By the way, ad space on Country California can be had for a mere $1 million. Think about it, Blake.

I’ve got an iPhone full of Maroon 5 songs now and I’m much more aware of artists and music others clearly were born knowing but I wasn’t. The show has affected my music by expanding the sounds I hear. It’s been good for me.
- – Besides setting him up pretty well financially, “The Voice” has introduced Blake Shelton to a whole new world of music. I see a Maroon 5 cover coming to country radio in the near future.

If a family goes to a show, they don’t want to spend $500. I wouldn’t go see Elvis for 500 bucks!
- – In trying to relate to the his fans, Jason Aldean suggests that he – a guy who makes thousands on an average touring night – wouldn’t give up $500 to bring Elvis Presley back to life. Really?

I got little or no bang, you know songs get heard on the radio forever but movies are like here and then they’re gone. They’re not re-currents. You heard the song today and then you hear it tomorrow and then ten years from now you’ll still hear it every once in a while, but you’ll hear it more than you’ll see that movie replay. There’s just not enough bang for my buck to waste that much time into a project.
- – Toby Keith isn’t interested in making any more movies. Luckily, I’m not interested in watching any more movies made by Toby Keith. Sounds like we’re finally on the same page.

I’m never going to have the moment where, ‘I’m a woman now, guys. I’m only going to write dark songs, and I’m going to dance in my bra all the time.’ That’s not really me. I hope things will gradually evolve into growing up as people naturally grow up. I find 22 is an age where a lot of times artists feel like they need to be like, ‘I’m a woman now guys,’ but I feel like it should happen naturally for me.
- – Taylor Swift on maturing gracefully in the music business.

So she kind of gave me an ultimatum, and said, ‘Hey, if we’re not engaged by this time, I’m moving to Atlanta.’ I kind of called her bluff, and then she said, ‘Then I’ll move to Chicago,’ and I called her bluff, and then it was Seattle … I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah,’ and then it was India. I was like, ‘India?! What? If you’re not gonna move to Atlanta, you’re certainly not gonna move to India.’ So she moved to India.
- – Jerrod Niemann chased a girlfriend far, far away.

I don’t give a damn about being famous, I just wanna sing country music. Does that make sense? [...] I don’t follow my career. I just f—king sing, you know?
- – Kellie Pickler goes rogue, dropping the F-bomb on a Taste of Country interviewer. High five.

Increasing consolidation in the radio world has put more power in fewer hands. Programming decisions for individual radio stations are increasingly set from remote corporate offices. Less consideration is given to the differences between stations, between markets and between the listeners of those stations. What works here may not work there. So, the broadcast decision-makers are usually demanding content they feel will work everywhere. That can make it difficult to be creative in what we deliver.
- – Capitol/EMI Records Nashville president Mike Dungan.

For those who criticize the ‘young guns’ in country music today, I would offer that, while it doesn’t sound like Buck or Merle, Buck and Merle didn’t sound like Roy Acuff, and Roy Acuff didn’t sound like Ernest Tubb. People need to get over the ‘what is country music’ crapola and cheer for the old guard and the new guard. That’s my deal.
- – Larry Gatlin thinks everyone should cheer for everyone else… which can only mean that he hasn’t heard Brantley Gilbert yet.

But sometimes in your life you can be outnumbered. You learn to be quiet about certain things that you think you’re supposed to be quiet about. For example, I remember distinctly being on a fifth-grade playground in California and someone asking me, ‘What kind of music do you listen to?’ Well, guess what I didn’t say? I didn’t say country music. I said Three Dog Night or Chicago or Elton John or whatever.
There is a point where you try to outrun your past sometimes. And then there comes a point where you turn back to it and become proud of your heritage, your culture, the foods you grew up on, the stories you were told, the people who told them, your church upbringing, your family and certainly your music.
- – Darrell Scott on coming full circle.

As far as you thinking I was ever some lover of country music, you just thought wrong. I’ve got a handful of country people I like, but I’ve always been very open about my musical preferences. I liked the Dixie Chicks. I didn’t know I had to sign on for everything country. Music’s subjective. There shouldn’t be rules. Different strokes for different folks.
- – Natalie Maines to fans on Twitter, after some took exception to her criticism of Jason Aldean’s Grammy performance with Kelly Clarkson.

Instead of making me quote the whole thing, just go take a gander at Johnny Cash’s to-do list.

Win a Copy of Meet Glen Campbell

Glen Campbell album coverWell, it happened again: I sold my soul to a man who promised to give someone a prize. This time, it’s the new, expanded edition of Glen Campbell’s penultimate album, Meet Self-Titled. I mean, Meet Glen Campbell.

As you might recall, that’s the one where producer Julian Raymond paired him with a bunch of songs by hip acts from outside the genre in an attempt to introduce him to a younger generation of fans, inaugurating a new (and final) phase in Campbell’s career. These days, it makes for an interesting historical document.

To enter, simply comment on this post with a favorite Glen Campbell song or memory. Entries will be accepted through next Thursday, February 23.

For more info on the album, you can find some of the press release excerpted below.

Glen Campbell’s critically acclaimed 2008 album, Meet Glen Campbell, has been expanded with exclusive bonus tracks for a special CD and digital edition released February 7 by Capitol/EMI. Campbell was recently honored with The Recording Academy’s Lifetime Achievement Award on February 11.

Upon its original release in August 2008, Meet Glen Campbell was met with worldwide critical praise, and Campbell promoted the album with interviews and performances for a broad spectrum of media, including an “AOL Sessions” concert. Meet Glen Campbell’s expanded edition adds three performances from that concert (Campbell’s classic hits “Wichita Lineman” and “Rhinestone Cowboy,” and U2’s “All I Want Is You”), as well as 2008 remixes of “Gentle On My Mind” and “Galveston.”

The influential singer, guitarist and stylist, who has long made others’ songs his own, did it again for Meet Glen Campbell, recording high-spirited, emotionally charged versions of tracks that have personally moved and inspired him. A true musician’s musician, Campbell’s distinct guitar playing, along with the clarity and emotion of his powerful vocal performance, come together to give new life to the songs he selected for Meet Glen Campbell.

Campbell’s intimate performances convey an autobiographical and deeply personal connection to the album’s songs, which include Travis’ “Sing,” Tom Petty’s “Angel Dream” and “Walls,” The Replacements’ “Sadly Beautiful,” U2’s “All I Want Is You,” The Velvet Underground’s “Jesus,” and Jackson Browne’s “These Days,” among others.

Campbell’s farewell tour continues through June, with remaining dates listed on his website.

Country Haiku #407

Honey, your love is
Better than money in the
Bay-ay-ay-ay-ank

Most people don’t get it.

Once you get over the initial shock, that fact can actually be pretty liberating.

After nearly four years of blogging, this site is seen by thousands of people each week. Only a fraction of them find enough value in it to return for a second visit, much less become regular readers. Even fewer comment. Bloggers spend considerable time figuring out what’s worth covering, thinking about how to write it up as succinctly and entertainingly as possible, designing a pleasing page on which to display it… and most new visitors are gone within a minute or two, never to return again.

If I had enough money, I could hand out free copies of my all-time favorite album to everyone in the world… and most people wouldn’t bother to listen. Of those who did take the time, only a handful would understand where I was coming from, much less agree that whatever album I chose was in fact the greatest album ever. So what would seem at first to be a musical evangelist’s dream scenario – “if everyone could just hear this, they’d love it!” – would more likely end up a tremendous disappointment and waste of resources.

Ever been excited to meet another country fan, only to discover halfway through the conversation that you like virtually none of the same artists? Or attended a once-in-a-lifetime concert by your favorite performer, only to be seated behind someone who chattered through the whole thing?

The upside is that, once you figure out that most people aren’t going to get it (whatever “it” is), the value of those who do becomes increasingly clear. You learn to appreciate those connections where and when you find them. Because they are, ultimately, pretty rare.

In that spirit of connection, I’d like to make the following proposal:

Since this site is pretty clearly not for everyone, anyone who has stuck around for any length of time is probably the sort of person I’d like to know. So, if you’re reading this, please take a second to drop a quick line to cmw@countrycalifornia.com. Mention a favorite artist or a song you’ve enjoyed. Suggest a topic you’d like to see covered on the site. Try your hand at a country haiku. Or just say hello, I’ll say hello back, and we’ll both finish our day having greeted one new person. That’s worth something.

Most of the time, my only means of gauging who’s reading the site and how everything’s going around here are purely statistical, which is (frankly) total crap. I want to hear from real, individual human voices – the only site metrics that actually matter. If you’re out there, let me know.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Fake holidays usually put me in a fighting mood, but there’s just no way to get worked up while listening to a song like “That’s the Thing About Love.” Don Williams is one smooth fella.