Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. “I appreciate feedback from our listeners,” said station manager Bart McGee, “but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It’s a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story.”

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday.

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook.

“I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that ‘Christmas Shoes’ crap again, he was going to regret it,” said the local man by phone interview yesterday.

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: “My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*ck me runnin’, I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight.”

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: “I can’t understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage – some folks just aren’t wired right, I guess.”

NewSong had no comment at press time.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Clad in matching “My Kinda Party” tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks’ dad’s old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths.

“It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face,” exaggerated Madison High School senior Young. “That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it’s just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he’s talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I’d rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!”

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving “like George Jones” and smoking Kool cigarettes. “But dust was rolling IN the window… and the smoke was just making us cough,” related Berks. “And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!”

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. “We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was ‘right here’ and pointed to his pleather couch… I think he was on meth,” said Shelley.

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place “in the console.” “That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?” complained Berks.

In summation, dirt roads “suck,” “blow” and caused the girls to “SMH” and say “FML” multiple times. “But we still love Jason! He’s so hot!” they cooed in perfect harmony.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he’d decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded “Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma’am” and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

“I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that… and where Taylor Swift had been, he’d replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he’d stole all them new CDs and tried to replace ‘em with his old junk,” said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. “I didn’t shoplift nothin’. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares… where that crap belongs,” said Spears. “I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I’ve got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain’t stupid.”

“Can you believe they didn’t have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?” he continued. “Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did.”

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: “They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke ‘em, them motherf***ers! I’m suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out… I’m a by-God patriot!”

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

The song, a catchy assimilation of country and rock that sounds vaguely like Steve Earle fronting Lynyrd Skynyrd, is a mash note to Texas, while also reminding us not to “mess” with said state. Lead singer DeWayne Tillis co-wrote the song with bassist Colton McBride after seeing either a Jamie Crowe Band or Kasey Rogers Band concert one night (they couldn’t remember which).

“Man, they were so good and had us fist-pumping and ‘whoo-ing’ all night and just loving life in this humble little state,” related Tillis. McBride chimed in: “And we just thought… man, there ought to be at least one song out there to let people know just how completely, unassumingly awesome it is here.”

The band’s love of Texas isn’t limited only to song. Drummer Charlie Peacock revealed some early sketches of the band logo, a charmingly subtle combination of the band’s name in a grunge typeface with the state’s outline and a guitar which seems to be sprouting eagle wings. “We thought our brand, our logo, ought to be as unique as this reverential land we call home” said Peacock. “Damn, that’s gonna look good hanging on cheap banners down at the Icehouse!”

According to DeWayne Tillis, the group’s debut album won’t focus specifically on Texas: “We got love songs, songs about being a band on the road, uh… did I say love songs already?” The collection of tunes, tentatively titled Aw Shucks, We’re From Texas, is due for release in October, or sooner if the single touches a nerve with radio audiences yearning for confirmation of the state they all hold so bashfully dear.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“Normally, I’d have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do, don’t get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here based on the party affiliation of the current President,” said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous.

“I’ve got one in the can called ‘We Got Our Man’ but I mean, what if they didn’t really get him? You’ve heard the conspiracy theories,” he continued. “And another one’s called ‘We Salute You,’ but that might be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that’s career suicide in the country market.”

Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. “Darryl needs a hit right now so he doesn’t have to go into underwear modeling — not that there’s anything wrong with that — but he’s a country singer and he’s a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever,” said an anonymous member of Worley’s management.

“We have a sequel to ‘Have You Forgotten?’ called ‘We Remember’ slated for release in late July to capitalize express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that’s two months from now… Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on.”

Other artists such as Aaron Tippin, Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities.

Montgomery Gentry, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of “America, Hell Yeah,” which hits radio five minutes ago.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday.

“Well, it goes like this,” started Spears. “I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I’d dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that ‘Wild at Heart’ song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!”

“My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!” raged Reginald. “My blood started boilin’ in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…”

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up.

“He bowled a strike on that one!” laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. “I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can’t anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?”

Spears’ shot hit squarely in the middle of the “new fangled” digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening’s musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35.

“I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I’m proud of what I did,” said a defiant Mr. Spears. “I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that little dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap.”

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: “I don’t give a fried f**k; I’m going into golf now. That’s the only other sport you can drink while you play.”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“I’m really worried about him,” said his pint-sized buddy Two-Foot Fred. “He’s just not himself since he got on that show…. where’s the Cowboy Stevie Wonder we all know and uh, fear?”

Rich’s markedly changed attitude, demeanor, sobriety and humor on the show have been red flags to friends and associates. “Man, the JR I know would have smashed a bottle of barbecue sauce over (Gary) Busey’s head for calling him a ‘boy!’” said singer Sebastian Bach. “Who is this guy and what the f**k has he done with John??”

Rich’s duo partner Big Kenny is at a loss himself. “I know he’s married and all, but there’s a Playboy Playmate of the Year there and John hasn’t exposed himself once or texted dirty limericks or anything? Are you sure?” wondered Mr. Alphin.

In fact, as of press time, the producers of Celebrity Apprentice have reported no physical assaults, sexual harassment claims, ill-mannered rants (other than show-appropriate ones) or incidents of drunken and disorderly behavior from Mr. Rich.

Obviously distressed, Bach is considering an intervention once the television show wraps. “He’s killing his rep man… and mine! Look, I’m getting his wife and kid out of Richmore and bringing in a truck full of beer and a stable of strippers once he’s out… something’s got to be done, this is just unacceptable.”

He ended with this emotional plea: “John, come back to us buddy… before it’s too late.”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

McBride’s nephew Lawrence Perkins, who plays center for Brentwood High School, has already been questioned about his role in several gambling operations that focus on prep sports. It is alleged that Perkins has purposely allowed scores he easily could have blocked in important divisional games, keeping down point totals and allowing opponents to win games Brentwood was favored in.

McBride’s relationship to the operation has been rumored to be more than a passing interest. In fact, other players report seeing her in the locker room berating her nephew on multiple occasions.

An anonymous former shooting guard tells FNN: “She was slapping him around, too, which looked ridiculous because she’s like 4’9″ and he’s around 6’10″. She was standing on a case of jerseys and a playbook, and just cursing him out, telling him three blocked shots was way too much for the half and couldn’t he fake an injury or something?”

Lawrence reportedly responded in that particular game by feigning an ankle twist in the third quarter. The rival Centennial Cougars ended up winning that game by 3 points.

“He showed up the next week to school in a sweet new Lincoln truck… it was suspicious, to say the least,” said another anonymous current player. “He drove a Malibu before that… I’m just guessing, but I think his aunt bought it for him with her winnings. His tag says ‘LUVMARTY.’”

Martina McBride has been the subject of interest in several recent instances of criminal activity in the Nashville area, but has been absolved in each case thus far. Relatives say she is going through a difficult time with teenage daughters and has vented her frustrations through various nefarious activities, including drinking and prescription tampering. Again, none of these alleged misdoings have been proven in court.

McBride could not be reached for comment at press time. Her daughter would only say she was at the gym doing leg presses.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“I ain’t never seen Waylon with no gel in his hair. You?” Mr. Spears continued. “Johnny Cash didn’t wear no fruity little blue jeans that ride up in his nether parts. These boys today – I can’t tell ‘em from the girls, really. I might even hit on that Urban fella if I had a few in me one night.”

Reginald went on: “Now the gals, they’re just fine… just fine, heh heh heh, but the men need to take some d*** enhancement pills and get back to singing about keeping their women in line and fighting and drankin’. I’m tired of all this mamby-pamby sissy talk, cryin’ about moments that led to ‘this’ and something or other that ‘felt good on his lips.’ That dude needs to make sure he’s off his period when he cuts a song.”

Mr. Spears spoke at length about forgetting your damned roots, going Hollywood, dancing around like a fruit, pretending you knew Johnny Cash, suckling at the teat of “commercialness,” trying to be Bon Jovi or somesuch, kowtowing to women-folk, being light in your loafers, harmony-izing with chicks and singing about your favorite nude beach. He was very eloquent, in an offensively non-eloquent sort of way, about the problems country music faces in this here day and age.

“If somebody in Nashville would hire me to write their dang radio play lists and sign their talent, sh*t would be different,” said Reggie. “Coe would still be played, tractors wouldn’t be sexy and them motherf***ing pop stars would stay over on the smooth rock station.”

Reginald also guaran-damn-tees he knows how to solve the federal trade deficit, but that’s news for another day.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“They’ve got me working inventory in the country store,” Carroll told FNN. “I used to work as a server here, but I had no idea they’d pull me back in.”

After signing his agreement with Cracker Barrel, Jason received a call a couple days later from Percy Priest Drive Cracker Barrel Manager Harvey Lumpkin asking if he’d like to come in and discuss his work schedule. He thought that was odd, but he cancelled a writing appointment and went in. Lumpkin presented Carroll with a mandatory 25-hour weekly schedule for stocking and maintaining the country store at the Nashville location.

“I now know more than I ever wanted to about rock candy, root beer and cream soda-flavored candy sticks and nougat bark than I ever wanted to,” said Jason. “Who knew they’d have me in a Cracker Barrel smock counting out cherry-filled chocolates two weeks after signing a six-figure deal?”

Jason’s other responsibilities include replacing batteries in the “critter chasing a ball” display toy, folding women’s applique chicken sweatshirts and dusting choo-choo train windchimes. Since he’s on salary, his only bonus funds coming based on single and album sales figures, he doesn’t draw a weekly paycheck. “I do get a 20% discount on rocking chairs and huge-ass checker boards, and 10% on food, so I guess that’s pretty cool,” said the singer.

Cracker Barrel has also booked Carroll to perform at several newer branches of the popular home-cooked food restaurant and gift shop. “I had to play on the hearth of that little fireplace that’s always got a fire crackling in it… I was sweating like Kellie Pickler playing one of those little golf tee games,” related Jason.

“Oh, they also want me to say that my Numbers album is only $5.99 with two orders of their hand-battered steak and buttermilk biscuit meal,” Jason told us. “So eat up!”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.