“He zoomed up in… wide open, on his black Harley and parked in the handicap spot,” said bar patron Ernest Bexley, who saw the whole thing go down. “He was looking for trouble from the word go. Didn’t have nobody with him but a bad attitude.”

Bexley continued: “He stomped out a cigarette on the doorstep, cursing about the ‘No Smoking’ sign. He walked in swinging his wallet chain and ordered a bottle of Black Label and he got p*ss drunk. He kept playing Johnny Cash on the jukebox and hitting on the cougars.”

“I sat down by him… didn’t know him from Adam at the time… and asked about the obviously new six-gun tattoo on his forearm. He told me in no uncertain terms to go pleasure myself in a way that’s not physically possible. I didn’t ask why… I just steered clear. But a couple old boys, Reed and Carver Jenkins, started up with him ’cause he’s kindly baby-faced. He told ‘em once his bottle was empty, he’d dispose of it in one of them’s rectum if they didn’t buzz off. It got ugly fast from there and he said he wouldn’t even scuff his Wranglers taking them boys out.

“They never made it out of doors cause ol’ Carver pulled out a butterfly knife like it was the ’80s or something. Aldean broke off his bottle and sh*t was on! He took Reed out with a left hook before another dude came off the bar onto his back. Carver came in with that knife and gut-stuck him. Aldean threw that dude off his back into the pinball machine and smashed that broke bottle into Carver’s temple and the fight was over, but he got in a few more licks. That sumb*tch was relentless… ornery as a copperhead in June. And then he lit out before the blue lights got there.”

Aldean attempted to sew himself up with some Spiderwire fishing line at a nearby bait store before finally passing out. He came to in a local emergency room, but dodged out before Pensacola PD could question him.

A warrant has not been issued, but authorities say Aldean could face charges of assault and parking in a handicap spot without displaying the appropriate placard. Several witnesses have come forward to say his actions were entirely in self defense, though carried out with extreme prejudice.

“I wouldn’t screw with him even if I wanted to…. and that’s the truth,” said Bexley.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music. Find more satirical articles in the Fake News archive.

“For the 2010-11 season, we wanted to reach a younger audience with a more rocking and contemporary theme song. Who better than the son of Bocephus, whose song ‘Are You Ready for Some Football?’ we’ve used for years?” asked MNF’s Jay Rothman. “The song Shelton turned in certainly brought the rock and, for the most part, a more current sound, but was not at all right for our product.”

The first demo of Hank’s “Monday Night M***********g Football” includes 21 profanities, 3 drug references, one line taken verbatim from the Satanic bible, and some disturbingly violent imagery. It starts out as a straight country song, reminiscent of something Williams’ legendary grandfather might have done, before plowing headlong into a rambling punk/thrash metal amalgam complete with Cookie Monster vocals.

“We did some editing on the track to see if there was anything usable,” said Rothman, “and we did glean 20 seconds without cursing, but it was a verse about drinking whiskey and shooting the television with an ol’ shotgun if your team loses. We just can’t put that message out there.”

Hank has promised to tame it down, but is unrepentant about the first cut. “I just wanted to kick their ass man,” said III. “Sh*t, the people want their teeth knocked down their throats with some hellbilly music before they watch their team beat the g*****n m***********g sh*t out of those other b*tches!”

If Williams is unable to rewrite the song to the producers’ satisfaction, the backup plan is to move forward with a Timbaland remix of Hank II’s well-known theme, featuring T-Pain.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

“Well shucks,” said the long tall Georgian, “we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward ‘hip’ phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith and told him, ‘Doggone man, we’ve gotta open up a slot!’ ”

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

“I could write one myself, but I’m a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can’t think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I’m a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds,” laughed Jackson. “I don’t know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?”

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

“You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record,” explained Jackson, who named “www.memory,” “I Still Like Bologna,” and “that one about cornbread and chicken” as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson’s website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weed-eating while drunk, and beef jerky.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

Wiping a tear from his eye and clearing his throat, Mafia CPO (Chief Pimp of Operations) John Rich listed the names. “Cowboy Troy, Two Foot Fred and that chick who paints while people sing have been released from the MuzikMafia with a generous severance package. It’s nothing personal, and we wish them the best in their future endeavors.”

Rich did not take questions from the gathered media (2 bloggers, 12 lawyers and a videographer from the community access channel), but a written statement confirmed that “the nation’s financial climate, reduced record sales and a general lack of space in the tour van” led to the cuts. Rich left open the possibility that he might rehire the trio when and if circumstances allow the “freak parade” to resume normal operations.

The MuzikMafia has encountered many setbacks in recent months, with founding member Gretchen Wilson losing her Sony Nashville record deal, John Rich’s ongoing legal woes and the dismissal of rapper Chance.

Although unwelcome, the cuts weren’t all bad for the fired employees. Two Foot Fred wasted no time securing a new job, signing with the WWE to feud with fellow little person Hornswaggle. Troy expects to get back into foot apparel sales and the painter chick has already applied to return to school and finish her degree in neuroscience.

At press time, it wasn’t clear if “a Russian rubber bimbo” was still gainfully employed with the Mafia.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

Here is an excerpt from that post:

“Despite this uneducated m*****-f*****’s baseless claims and slander against me, I will persevere and this album will see the light of the day in a few short months or possibly 17 years. I have already hired some of Nashville’s finest musicians and plan to alienate and fire them one by one until I end up with a band that in no way resembles the one that is intact at this moment. However, I will keep each person’s contribution and use them in multi-multi-tracked songs that are rich with sound the way a pizza burger stir-fry with chocolate ranch taco sauce is rich with taste.”

He continued: “I expect to go through somewhere between $2 and 25 million dollars of Curb Records’ money and have several label heads fired during the laborious recording process. I will spend my down-time: 1) hanging with Baz (Bach) and John Rich, 2) punching Nashville celebrities at charity events and 3) suing people. After finishing this record, I will resume recording of Chinese Democracy 2 which will come out posthumously. And hey, you scum-sucking, onerous piece of crap, you’ll never say that s*** about me again!”

The already mythical Arkansas Literacy album is expected to be an exclusive one-album deal with Target. Industry insiders predict it will sell around 150,000 the first week before tanking, after which Axl will make another rambling, curse-filled blog post blaming Target, Slash and the Jehovah’s Witnesses for weak sales.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

“I’m actually somewhat excited about the song,” Urban’s manager read from an index card during C.M.’s short interview with him. “It is a soundly crafted, proficiently played tune that fits squarely into the standard expectations of the people who will listen to it again and again.” He continued: “We feel that it will sell somewhere in the range of 178,000 digital copies, raise average awareness of Keith’s new CD above the ‘fairly interested’ level, and most importantly, not cause radio listeners to change the station.” Tucking the index card back into his pocket, he concluded: “We are nearly thrilled.”

The song is gathering quite a semblance of a buzz in the industry. In fact, some country disc jockeys who received early preview discs of the potboiler track jumped the gun, pretending to be breathless with staged anticipation as they played the yet-to-be-released surefire chart-topper. Some even reported listeners phoning in to request “that new song I think was by Keith Urban, maybe, that sounded pretty okay.”

Urban’s as-yet-untitled seventh album is due for release in March of 2010. A summer tour featuring opening act Pretty Up-and-Coming Female Performer Who Can Sing Harmony will follow.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

“I couldn’t help it,” snickered North Carolina motorcycle enthusiast Clyde ‘Bonegrinder’ McGee. “I mean, the song was okay, but really? Really? That joker couldn’t be more than 4 foot 9. He couldn’t kick my lady friend’s ass.” “I’ve taken dumps bigger than him,” laughed Murder City Riders Motor Club president Remus Barksdale, “and I thought country music was supposed to be about authenticity.”

The show got off to a promising start in the first half, with the crowd even singing along by the end of “Back That Thang Up” and waving flags patriotically through “Good Ol’ American Way.” However, things went south by the second chorus of “I Could Kick Your Ass.”

“I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right the first time, but when he sang it again… ‘I could kick your ass, I could jack your jaw’… I ’bout wet myself,” said Linda Morrow of Chicago from atop her gleaming Harley Fat Boy. “He’s a cute little thang, but jeez, you’re standing on a phone book to reach the mic, dude.”

Laughter began from near the tattoo stand and spread like wildfire, drowning out the band and the elfin singer in a matter of seconds. Moore valiantly attempted to finish the song, but ultimately could not hear himself well enough to continue. Despite the chaos and scattered reports of sides injured from too much laughter, no one was arrested at the concert.

Moore declined comment, but his management says there are no plans to make up the date in the short term.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

“This burger is absolute perfection,” glowed Dave, patting his protruding belly as he watched Late Show staffers distribute free burgers to members of his studio audience. “It will change your life.” As the audience dug into their greasy cow sandwiches, Letterman continued: “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of a quarter pounder with cheese on my butt.”

Sweat began to pour down his face as he got into the meat of his speech. “If I were Burger King or Wendy’s, I’d just give up now. You cannot seriously hope to compete with this little fraction of a pound patty of heat-lamped heaven – dear baby Jesus, my new hero is that redheaded genius, Ronald McDonald.”

Letterman has also recently proclaimed the virtues of Chevy Malibus, Billy Currington’s “People Are Crazy,” People magazine, Facebook quizzes and Bud Light.

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

A bevy of Nashville’s most successful songwriters brought their staggering creative genius together to create this masterpiece during a recent writing session.

“We just looked at each other and knew we had done something special,” smiled a clearly satisfied Craig Wiseman, one of the song’s cowriters. “You remember how Nirvana changed rock in the ’90s? Well, this song is going to redirect the course of country music history… it’s that innovative. I mean, hell, it’s got collard greens in it!”

“Did you know that country people sometimes have what’s called a ‘farmer’s tan?’” laughed pioneering cowriter Bob DiPiero. “We’re breaking new ground here!”

Other novel revelations in the tune include the love of “good ol’ boys” for “gals in cut off jeans,” the shocking contrast of Saturday night’s sinfulness to Sunday morning’s repentance, the prevalence of southerners’ charming loyalty to “mama” and their addictions to fried foods and low-cost alcoholic beverages. Further bullet-point lyrics introduce America, for the very first time, to “Skoal rings,” “Hank Jr.,” “gravel” and “hard work.”

The new direction and new concepts will surely take some time for country music fans to digest, but this writer expects the song to be huge, possibly even finally giving the rural population something to be prideful about. The ways of their quaint but culturally significant world, heretofore utterly unexplored, will soon be public knowledge to the unwitting listening public, and country music will never be the same again.

As non-urban people apparently profess frequently: “Yeehaw!”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music

“That concert was hot!” said festival goer Jenny Wilkins. “I mean it was like 105 heat index, right? I sweated through my tube top.”

Greenwood resident Mitch Granger reported having a great time at the concert as well. “I was soooo wasted,” laughed Mitch. “Who was singing again?”

Obviously invigorated by the lively crowd and the first-rate plywood stage, Wicks pulled out all his hits, including the 2008 smash “Stealing Cinderella.”

“Love was in the air,” giggled Margaret Jackson. “There were two dogs totally humping during that dude’s song about fairy tales.”

“What a great crowd! They were so responsive, especially during ‘Stealing Cinderella,’ ” said Wicks, enjoying a post-show mani-pedi. “It was weird… there was all this cheering and pointing. They loved me.”

“It was awesome!” said Holcomb native Jesse Vazquez. “The fireworks show after Buck’s concert was the best one yet… and my flip phone video of those dogs screwing is already on YouTube.”

Reported by “Trailer” Parkman of Farce the Music