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Aging Portrait of Tim McGraw Discovered in Attic

tim_mcgrawA member of a painting crew employed at the Nashville-area home of country music star Tim McGraw, whose boyish good looks have made him a female fan favorite for the past 15 years, accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up in the attic, where a sudden gust of wind through the cracked window blew the veil off of a terrifying portrait of an aging, almost unrecognizably disfigured McGraw. Although the man quickly replaced the veil and exited the room, he was left confused by what he had seen.

“It was the most ghastly thing ever. It was like I was looking into the soul of evil. I can see why someone would want to keep something like that hidden in the attic, but why have it at all? I could only tell it was Tim by the hat and the women’s top he was wearing” said the painter, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Almost immediately after the story broke, McGraw gathered reporters on his front lawn to issue a statement. His taut, well-tanned skin and ivory-white teeth glistening from underneath his trademark black cowboy hat, he remarked: “I don’t know what that man thinks he saw, but there’s no such painting in that attic. You guys know that I wouldn’t lie to you, right?” McGraw smiled and the reporters nodded in agreement, laughing off the latest in a long line of ridiculous McGraw rumors. On her way back to her car, reporter Candice Murphy sighed: “He’s so nice and so handsome. It’s a shame that people keep coming out of the woodwork trying to cast aspersions.”

The rumor mill has been unkind to McGraw so far this year. In January, twenty kooky patrons of a Nashville-area Starbucks reported seeing him poring over a certain French book denounced by religious leaders such as Pope Benedict XVI and Dr. Phil as “morally poisonous.” In February, a clearly-deranged man interrupted one of his concerts demanding to know why his “friendship [was] so fatal to young men.” There have also been dozens of alleged McGraw sightings at opium dens in the past several weeks, though few fans or reporters have shown much willingness to trust the observational skills of people who hang out at opium dens.

While the painter and his obviously-fabricated story have been the subject of much mockery among reporters and the McGraw faithful, others have approached the matter with more caution, suggesting that if the alleged portrait does exist, McGraw might want to think twice about driving a dagger through it.

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  1. Ha! Oscar Wilde allusions make my day.

  2. Faith should try it.

  3. I’m down for Oscar Wilde allusions!
    But it needed more witty, pointless banter…

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