- MARTINA FUN FACT: Our closest animal relatives are either chimpanzees or Toby Keith fans.
- “When I was just a baby my mama told me, son, If I hear you listening to Luke Bryan I’ll do you like Delia got done” –Johnny Cash
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Cute songs and all, but I’m still waiting for this new Pope Cassadee to do something about the pedophile priests.
- Can anyone confirm that mailmen are part of government? I’ve been chasing and hogtying them since Tuesday to help shutdown.
- Look, I’m still not convinced Krystal Keith isn’t just Toby in a wig.
- Ever since my daughter visited the new Taylor Swift Education Center, she’s been dating lots of boys and writing sappy songs.
- Eric Church’s new song is called “The Outsiders.” It’s about anyone at an Eric Church show not wearing a douchey wallet chain.
- I guess I’m just upset that more of today’s male singers don’t have Marty Stuart hair.
- If you want to make your daughter’s slut costume more timely this year, just call it Girl in a Luke Bryan Song.
- Apologies to little girl who just ran up for an autograph. Fight-or-flight instinct set in and I scissor-kicked her in the face.
- I WON at last night’s Inspirational Country Music Awards, so all you folks who thought I wouldn’t can go to hell.
- I still say the Musical Event of the Year was me throatpunching Lucy Hale.
- If anyone sees Luke Bryan today, let him know that my daughter needs her glitter shirt back.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Kelly Clarkson’s embryo is already a better singer than Craig Morgan.
- My next CD will include several duets with Rob Ford.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Some are making fun of Keith Urban’s new hairstyle, but I personally have no problem with lesbians.
- TO THE FANS: Please travel safely. I’m already SO much better-looking than you and your further disfigurement will not help matters.
- Lots of misinformation about my covers album. It will be all bagpipe versions of David Hasselhoff songs.
- Will someone cast me in a crappy holiday movie already? I haven’t hung with Tom Arnold in forever.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: If you buy your daughter a Florida Georgia Line CD, you might as well just drop an STD in her stocking.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Garth Brooks has done as much as anyone for heavyset dudes in mom jeans.
- Trace Adkins entered rehab after fighting himself on a cruise ship. HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.
- DAVID NAIL FUN FACT: “Whatever She’s Got” should be subtitled “The Sound of a Million Compromises.”
- MARTINA FUN FACT: I still can’t tell Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Carla from “Cheers” apart.
- So very honored to be hosting the GRAMMYs. Oh… presenting? Well, forget that shit. Martina OUT
- Backstage at GRAMMYs is my only chance to fulfill a lifelong dream of simultaneously punching Jamie Foxx, Yoko Ono and Ryan Seacrest.
- Can anyone tell me if Kenny Chesney DID or DID NOT play high school football? I always forget.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: I still say George Strait could have been an even BIGGER deal if he’d been willing to twerk. C’est la vie.
- “Okay, but what if we found you worse songs AND a hairstyle that looks as if attacked by raccoons?” -David Nail’s manager
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Caught my daughter listening to Cole Swindell, so I disinherited her.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: CRS stands for Canonizing Rectal Sounds.
- MARTINA’S COOKBOOK SUBSTITUTION TABLE: For lower fat versions, replace one (1) egg with half (1/2) banana or three (3) cups rum.
- I still find Vladimir Putin at least twice as likable as any cast member of @CMT’s “Party Down South.”
- Jamie O’Neal is MUCH more popular than me in Arizona. Unfortunately for her, there isn’t one.
- One thing I like about Nashville is that people don’t take photos of you at the grocery store. Even when you’re pelting them with oranges.
- On the occasion of SXSW, let me remind you that all of Austin’s hipness is nullified by that one time @blakeshelton put it in a song.
- I AM RETROACTIVELY RAISING TICKET PRICES, SO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN TO ANY OF MY SHOWS PLEASE SEND $20 PER SHOW. THANK YOU.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: I remember Dan + Shay back when they were still called the JaneDear Girls.
- Not saying it’s likely, but if Josh Turner and James Otto DID ever have kids together, they’d look like The Swon Brothers.
- And here I thought the feral Williams was Hank Jr.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Sometimes I’ll kick out the teeth of someone in the front row just to let them know who’s boss.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: A funny thing to do for April Fools’ Day is to compliment Hunter Hayes on his unfaltering sense of pitch.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Since I toured WITH George Strait last year, half of that Entertainer trophy is mine. I just claimed it with a hacksaw.
- How many brain cells does being Luke Bryan’s merch guy require? (Hint: Cole Swindell did it.)
- MARTINA FUN FACT: My new album is available exclusively on microcassette. If you see it in any other format, it’s a bootleg.
- Lingering outside door of Target on Lebanon Pike, gut-punching anyone who tries to leave without a copy of “Everlasting.”
- Not to fan the flame, but are we even sure that guy lip-synching was Gary LeVox? It looked more like Patrick from SpongeBob.
- Q: What’s the difference between a garden shed and seeing Brantley Gilbert at a music festival? A: With a garden shed, the tools are inside.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Some are saying my new album isn’t country, but I recorded it WHILE thinking of tailgates. So you can all just go to hell.
- Can’t tell you how GREAT it feels to have another #1 album. Or to have accomplished anything in life, really. You losers wouldn’t get it.
- “A bunch of us who are excited about EDM and hip-hop coming into country are gonna go egg Connie Smith’s house. Wanna come with?”
- I’d like to congratulate Miranda Lambert and Jake Owen on being the only women currently in the country Top 20.
Whew, finally done. Cheers to you, Drunken Martina.
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