202 More Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

  

Best of Drunken Martina

  1. MARTINA FUN FACT: Our closest animal relatives are either chimpanzees or Toby Keith fans.
  2. “When I was just a baby my mama told me, son, If I hear you listening to Luke Bryan I’ll do you like Delia got done” –Johnny Cash
  3. MARTINA FUN FACT: Cute songs and all, but I’m still waiting for this new Pope Cassadee to do something about the pedophile priests.
  4. Can anyone confirm that mailmen are part of government? I’ve been chasing and hogtying them since Tuesday to help shutdown.
  5. Look, I’m still not convinced Krystal Keith isn’t just Toby in a wig.
  6. Ever since my daughter visited the new Taylor Swift Education Center, she’s been dating lots of boys and writing sappy songs.
  7. Eric Church’s new song is called “The Outsiders.” It’s about anyone at an Eric Church show not wearing a douchey wallet chain.
  8. I guess I’m just upset that more of today’s male singers don’t have Marty Stuart hair.
  9. If you want to make your daughter’s slut costume more timely this year, just call it Girl in a Luke Bryan Song.
  10. Apologies to little girl who just ran up for an autograph. Fight-or-flight instinct set in and I scissor-kicked her in the face.
  11. I WON at last night’s Inspirational Country Music Awards, so all you folks who thought I wouldn’t can go to hell.
  12. I still say the Musical Event of the Year was me throatpunching Lucy Hale.
  13. If anyone sees Luke Bryan today, let him know that my daughter needs her glitter shirt back.
  14. MARTINA FUN FACT: Kelly Clarkson’s embryo is already a better singer than Craig Morgan.
  15. My next CD will include several duets with Rob Ford.
  16. MARTINA FUN FACT: Some are making fun of Keith Urban’s new hairstyle, but I personally have no problem with lesbians.
  17. TO THE FANS: Please travel safely. I’m already SO much better-looking than you and your further disfigurement will not help matters.
  18. Lots of misinformation about my covers album. It will be all bagpipe versions of David Hasselhoff songs.
  19. Will someone cast me in a crappy holiday movie already? I haven’t hung with Tom Arnold in forever.
  20. MARTINA FUN FACT: If you buy your daughter a Florida Georgia Line CD, you might as well just drop an STD in her stocking.
  21. MARTINA FUN FACT: Garth Brooks has done as much as anyone for heavyset dudes in mom jeans.
  22. Trace Adkins entered rehab after fighting himself on a cruise ship. HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.
  23. DAVID NAIL FUN FACT: “Whatever She’s Got” should be subtitled “The Sound of a Million Compromises.”
  24. MARTINA FUN FACT: I still can’t tell Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Carla from “Cheers” apart.
  25. So very honored to be hosting the GRAMMYs. Oh… presenting? Well, forget that shit. Martina OUT
  26. Backstage at GRAMMYs is my only chance to fulfill a lifelong dream of simultaneously punching Jamie Foxx, Yoko Ono and Ryan Seacrest.
  27. Can anyone tell me if Kenny Chesney DID or DID NOT play high school football? I always forget.
  28. MARTINA FUN FACT: I still say George Strait could have been an even BIGGER deal if he’d been willing to twerk. C’est la vie.
  29. “Okay, but what if we found you worse songs AND a hairstyle that looks as if attacked by raccoons?” -David Nail’s manager
  30. MARTINA FUN FACT: Caught my daughter listening to Cole Swindell, so I disinherited her.
  31. MARTINA FUN FACT: CRS stands for Canonizing Rectal Sounds.
  32. MARTINA’S COOKBOOK SUBSTITUTION TABLE: For lower fat versions, replace one (1) egg with half (1/2) banana or three (3) cups rum.
  33. I still find Vladimir Putin at least twice as likable as any cast member of @CMT’s “Party Down South.”
  34. Jamie O’Neal is MUCH more popular than me in Arizona. Unfortunately for her, there isn’t one.
  35. One thing I like about Nashville is that people don’t take photos of you at the grocery store. Even when you’re pelting them with oranges.
  36. On the occasion of SXSW, let me remind you that all of Austin’s hipness is nullified by that one time @blakeshelton put it in a song.
  37. I AM RETROACTIVELY RAISING TICKET PRICES, SO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN TO ANY OF MY SHOWS PLEASE SEND $20 PER SHOW. THANK YOU.
  38. MARTINA FUN FACT: I remember Dan + Shay back when they were still called the JaneDear Girls.
  39. Not saying it’s likely, but if Josh Turner and James Otto DID ever have kids together, they’d look like The Swon Brothers.
  40. And here I thought the feral Williams was Hank Jr.
  41. MARTINA FUN FACT: Sometimes I’ll kick out the teeth of someone in the front row just to let them know who’s boss.
  42. MARTINA FUN FACT: A funny thing to do for April Fools’ Day is to compliment Hunter Hayes on his unfaltering sense of pitch.
  43. MARTINA FUN FACT: Since I toured WITH George Strait last year, half of that Entertainer trophy is mine. I just claimed it with a hacksaw.
  44. How many brain cells does being Luke Bryan’s merch guy require? (Hint: Cole Swindell did it.)
  45. MARTINA FUN FACT: My new album is available exclusively on microcassette. If you see it in any other format, it’s a bootleg.
  46. Lingering outside door of Target on Lebanon Pike, gut-punching anyone who tries to leave without a copy of “Everlasting.”
  47. Not to fan the flame, but are we even sure that guy lip-synching was Gary LeVox? It looked more like Patrick from SpongeBob.
  48. Q: What’s the difference between a garden shed and seeing Brantley Gilbert at a music festival? A: With a garden shed, the tools are inside.
  49. MARTINA FUN FACT: Some are saying my new album isn’t country, but I recorded it WHILE thinking of tailgates. So you can all just go to hell.
  50. Can’t tell you how GREAT it feels to have another #1 album. Or to have accomplished anything in life, really. You losers wouldn’t get it.
  51. “A bunch of us who are excited about EDM and hip-hop coming into country are gonna go egg Connie Smith’s house. Wanna come with?”
  52. I’d like to congratulate Miranda Lambert and Jake Owen on being the only women currently in the country Top 20.

Whew, finally done. Cheers to you, Drunken Martina.

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