- MARTINA FUN FACT: When you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, it’s called Katie Armigering.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Florida Georgia Line makes me want to roll my windows down and cruise. Off a high cliff, into a shark-infested lava pit.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: We are never ever ever going to see Taylor Swift happily married. Eventually she’ll just run out of boys and implode.
- Jennifer Nettles named her baby boy Magnus? Should work out fine for him as long as he ends up being a Swedish prince 500 years ago.
- Screamed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?” at the Mayan apocalypse and, well, we all know how that turned out.
- “I’m bored. When does Lionel Richie’s next country album come out?” -Satan
- Rehearsing for George Strait tour very emotional. Hope he doesn’t mind that I’m doing all his songs in my set.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Gretchen Wilson is releasing THREE albums this year, one for each fan.
- “E, uh… let me get back to you on that” -Eddie Montgomery, asked to spell first name for a reporter
- MARTINA MEMORIES: Snuck up behind Karen of Little Big Town and delivered swift roundhouse kick to back of head, screaming “I’M A TORNADO!”
- Jason Aldean, informed that George Jones is embarking on his farewell tour: “That’s sad. I loved him on All in the Family.”
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Not technically Catholic, but have always dreamed of drinking wine/being adored/wearing robe everywhere as a vocation.
- More whiskey sours, less tickle and grope. Let’s elect Drunken Martina for Pope!
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Can’t remember a thing about recording “Valentine,” but have no doubt that I can beat up Jim Brickman.
- Sure, Wynonna trying to dance will be worth some laughs. But I’m just as excited for crowd shots of Naomi trying to make facial expressions.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: If I don’t have a hit soon, I might have to trade in my F-15 and stop employing so many xylophone testers.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Just learned I didn’t make the cut for pope. Removing all Gregorian chants from my set list.
- Some gal just tried to tell me that half my tweets are empty threats about beating people up. May she rest in peace.
- “Ick, really? There’s something to be said for aging gracefully…” -Richard Simmons on 36-year-old guys putting out Spring Break albums
- How weird would it be to have your twin half-brother be the Supreme Leader of North Korea? Poor Gary LeVox.
- Still not too late to add Best Roundhouse Kick to the Gullet as a category, ACMs.
- Hopefully the highway don’t care if you auto-tune.
- BREAKING: Thomas Rhett and Krystal Keith halting solo careers to join forces as new duo act Daddy’s Money.
- Billy Currington indicted? See, I KNEW an old man wouldn’t just will all his assets to some stranger he chatted with once in a bar…
- Not to turn this into a witch hunt, but also have evidence he intentionally gave misleading directions to a confused traveler in 2006.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Jason Aldean and wife separating. Last straw was how he kept borrowing her plaid cowgirl shirts.
- Division of Aldean estate slows to a crawl as both parties wait for a definitive count of wallet chains on-site.
- For those asking, John has been very busy lately with his Flock of Seagulls tribute band. Sound is hit or miss, but hair is right on.
- I know Clint Black hasn’t exactly had any hits lately, but still weird to see him selling popcorn balls at the Kentucky Derby.
- Chris Young’s new song is called “Aw Naw,” presumably in answer to question “Are you having any luck finding new songs that don’t suck?”
- Did you know that Kenny Chesney is from East Tennessee? I wonder why he doesn’t mention it more often.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Will keep turning down that Sunday Night Football gig until they go back to using inflated pig bladders.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Part of me wonders if “Malibu Country” would have been more successful without Eddie Montgomery as head writer.
- Anyone know a good guest rapper? I’m trying to make a country album.
- Need a few new Chanel handbags and my own Death Star. Y’all better Kickstart the crap out of this.
- That God-forsaken “chew tobacco spit” song went #1? I think I understand why other countries hate us.
- Just screamed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?” at radio playing “Boys ‘Round Here.” It turned into a @KaceyMusgraves LP.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: I am open to signing on as new “The View” co-host only if format is changed to Thunderdome.
- Starting work on new record, which will be most personal yet. So far, all the songs are about wanting to elbow Jenny McCarthy in the face.
- Connie Britton and Bryan Cranston get Emmy nominations for roles based on me, I get NOTHING? I just trashed my hotel room.
- Sure, go ahead. Post your karaoke version of “Independence Day” on YouTube. Maybe try repainting the Sistine Chapel while you’re at it.
- To all the fans who sent presents yesterday, THANK YOU. Just knowing I am more successful and attractive than you is present enough.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: My Pinterest account is pretty much just various pictures of Elisabeth Hasselbeck getting kicked in the face.
- If you’re thinking I couldn’t kill you with a plastic salad tong, you’re wrong baby wrong.
- Jake Owen’s amputated finger right after Chris Young’s infected leg. Is this some new sex thing I haven’t heard of?
- MARTINA FUN FACT: Every time I call Scott Borchetta at the office, he’s out getting a perm.
- Now that we’re inviting club DJs into the country fold, can someone remix the past 10 years of country radio to make it not sound like butt?
- Joe Nichols is calling his new album “Crickets,” thereby predicting its reception.
- MARTINA FUN FACT: If you think Darryl Worley isn’t at some soup kitchen plotting a comeback single about Syria RIGHT NOW, you’re mistaken.
- In honor of Labor Day, I’d like to point out that Jason Aldean has good strong birthing hips.
Well, I’ve wasted so much time now that I might as well finish…
Leave a Reply