202 More Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

  

Best of Drunken Martina

  1. MARTINA FUN FACT: When you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, it’s called Katie Armigering.
  2. MARTINA FUN FACT: Florida Georgia Line makes me want to roll my windows down and cruise. Off a high cliff, into a shark-infested lava pit.
  3. MARTINA FUN FACT: We are never ever ever going to see Taylor Swift happily married. Eventually she’ll just run out of boys and implode.
  4. Jennifer Nettles named her baby boy Magnus? Should work out fine for him as long as he ends up being a Swedish prince 500 years ago.
  5. Screamed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?” at the Mayan apocalypse and, well, we all know how that turned out.
  6. “I’m bored. When does Lionel Richie’s next country album come out?” -Satan
  7. Rehearsing for George Strait tour very emotional. Hope he doesn’t mind that I’m doing all his songs in my set.
  8. MARTINA FUN FACT: Gretchen Wilson is releasing THREE albums this year, one for each fan.
  9. “E, uh… let me get back to you on that” -Eddie Montgomery, asked to spell first name for a reporter
  10. MARTINA MEMORIES: Snuck up behind Karen of Little Big Town and delivered swift roundhouse kick to back of head, screaming “I’M A TORNADO!”
  11. Jason Aldean, informed that George Jones is embarking on his farewell tour: “That’s sad. I loved him on All in the Family.”
  12. MARTINA FUN FACT: Not technically Catholic, but have always dreamed of drinking wine/being adored/wearing robe everywhere as a vocation.
  13. More whiskey sours, less tickle and grope. Let’s elect Drunken Martina for Pope!
  14. MARTINA FUN FACT: Can’t remember a thing about recording “Valentine,” but have no doubt that I can beat up Jim Brickman.
  15. Sure, Wynonna trying to dance will be worth some laughs. But I’m just as excited for crowd shots of Naomi trying to make facial expressions.
  16. MARTINA FUN FACT: If I don’t have a hit soon, I might have to trade in my F-15 and stop employing so many xylophone testers.
  17. MARTINA FUN FACT: Just learned I didn’t make the cut for pope. Removing all Gregorian chants from my set list.
  18. Some gal just tried to tell me that half my tweets are empty threats about beating people up. May she rest in peace.
  19. “Ick, really? There’s something to be said for aging gracefully…” -Richard Simmons on 36-year-old guys putting out Spring Break albums
  20. How weird would it be to have your twin half-brother be the Supreme Leader of North Korea? Poor Gary LeVox.
  21. Still not too late to add Best Roundhouse Kick to the Gullet as a category, ACMs.
  22. Hopefully the highway don’t care if you auto-tune.
  23. BREAKING: Thomas Rhett and Krystal Keith halting solo careers to join forces as new duo act Daddy’s Money.
  24. Billy Currington indicted? See, I KNEW an old man wouldn’t just will all his assets to some stranger he chatted with once in a bar…
  25. Not to turn this into a witch hunt, but also have evidence he intentionally gave misleading directions to a confused traveler in 2006.
  26. MARTINA FUN FACT: Jason Aldean and wife separating. Last straw was how he kept borrowing her plaid cowgirl shirts.
  27. Division of Aldean estate slows to a crawl as both parties wait for a definitive count of wallet chains on-site.
  28. For those asking, John has been very busy lately with his Flock of Seagulls tribute band. Sound is hit or miss, but hair is right on.
  29. I know Clint Black hasn’t exactly had any hits lately, but still weird to see him selling popcorn balls at the Kentucky Derby.
  30. Chris Young’s new song is called “Aw Naw,” presumably in answer to question “Are you having any luck finding new songs that don’t suck?”
  31. Did you know that Kenny Chesney is from East Tennessee? I wonder why he doesn’t mention it more often.
  32. MARTINA FUN FACT: Will keep turning down that Sunday Night Football gig until they go back to using inflated pig bladders.
  33. MARTINA FUN FACT: Part of me wonders if “Malibu Country” would have been more successful without Eddie Montgomery as head writer.
  34. Anyone know a good guest rapper? I’m trying to make a country album.
  35. Need a few new Chanel handbags and my own Death Star. Y’all better Kickstart the crap out of this.
  36. That God-forsaken “chew tobacco spit” song went #1? I think I understand why other countries hate us.
  37. Just screamed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?” at radio playing “Boys ‘Round Here.” It turned into a @KaceyMusgraves LP.
  38. MARTINA FUN FACT: I am open to signing on as new “The View” co-host only if format is changed to Thunderdome.
  39. Starting work on new record, which will be most personal yet. So far, all the songs are about wanting to elbow Jenny McCarthy in the face.
  40. Connie Britton and Bryan Cranston get Emmy nominations for roles based on me, I get NOTHING? I just trashed my hotel room.
  41. Sure, go ahead. Post your karaoke version of “Independence Day” on YouTube. Maybe try repainting the Sistine Chapel while you’re at it.
  42. To all the fans who sent presents yesterday, THANK YOU. Just knowing I am more successful and attractive than you is present enough.
  43. MARTINA FUN FACT: My Pinterest account is pretty much just various pictures of Elisabeth Hasselbeck getting kicked in the face.
  44. If you’re thinking I couldn’t kill you with a plastic salad tong, you’re wrong baby wrong.
  45. Jake Owen’s amputated finger right after Chris Young’s infected leg. Is this some new sex thing I haven’t heard of?
  46. MARTINA FUN FACT: Every time I call Scott Borchetta at the office, he’s out getting a perm.
  47. Now that we’re inviting club DJs into the country fold, can someone remix the past 10 years of country radio to make it not sound like butt?
  48. Joe Nichols is calling his new album “Crickets,” thereby predicting its reception.
  49. MARTINA FUN FACT: If you think Darryl Worley isn’t at some soup kitchen plotting a comeback single about Syria RIGHT NOW, you’re mistaken.
  50. In honor of Labor Day, I’d like to point out that Jason Aldean has good strong birthing hips.

Well, I’ve wasted so much time now that I might as well finish…

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