202 More Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

  

Best of Drunken Martina

  1. To me, the funniest thing would be if Scott Borchetta sold Big Machine to Mike Curb tomorrow morning. [posted on day Tim McGraw signed to Big Machine]
  2. Eric Church wears shades all the time because he’s blind. To the fact that it makes him look like a douchenozzle.
  3. MARTINA SAFETY ADVISORY: Before you let your child play with sparklers, remember what happened to Wynonna’s face.
  4. I keep a photo album of radio station visits for when I need reminding of how attractive I am in comparison to normal people.
  5. MARTINA FUN FACT: At this point, pretty sure that 1 out of every 2 touring musicians is a member of the Zac Brown Band.
  6. Brantley Gilbert has twice as many #1s as me in the new millennium. Just screamed “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?” at a wallet chain.
  7. MARTINA FUN FACT: While in LA, I’m trying out for several film roles. Mostly ninjas and mob bosses.
  8. Welcome to the Fishbowl, huh? I’m gonna go ahead and guess that Kenny Chesney is a crappie.
  9. If you’re thinking I’m taller than people in Hong Kong, you’re wrong baby wrong.
  10. Every liquor store in town is cleaned out and everyone I meet has flesh wounds. It must be @martinamcbride’s birthday.
  11. Eric Church saying something modest is as likely as me beating a Kenyan in a footrace.
  12. Watching the Olympics makes me think less of every non-Olympian 16-year-old I meet. Why don’t you little turds just APPLY YOURSELVES?
  13. Let’s not rush to judgment on this Randy Travis thing. There are plenty good reasons to be driving around drunk and naked, threatening cops.
  14. MARTINA FUN FACT: “Outlaws Like Me” singer Justin Moore was once arrested for passing out drunk and naked on a Hot Wheels race track.
  15. Anyone know who I can talk to about getting a Vegas residency deal? Would also settle for Branson or Frugal MacDoogal.
  16. [email protected] Where do you buy your earrings? They’re pretty.
  17. Know who else likes girls that drink beer? Serial rapists. Kind of a downer, Toby.
  18. [email protected] Why not end “Truck Yeah” with the sound of a toilet flushing? Would have been very cute and meta.
  19. Know what cranks my tractor? When guys in their late 20s look like they’re older than 14.
  20. MARTINA FUN FACT: I’d rather fry an egg in Scott Borchetta’s forehead grease than hear one more song about drinking beer on a lake.
  21. CASTING THOUGHTS: When they make the Martina biopic, I’d like to be played by Michael Clarke Duncan.
  22. Keith Urban is the new American Idol judge. I’m guessing next season’s winner will be some combination of Slim Dusty and Dire Straits.
  23. Patsy Shmatsy. Where’s MY exhibit at the Country Music Hall of Fame?
  24. MARTINA FUN FACT: Hunter Hayes makes Bryan White look like Danny Trejo.
  25. LeAnn Rimes seeking treatment for stress? If I tried to wear a bikini everywhere I went, I’d feel stressed too.
  26. Let’s run a clean campaign, fellow CMA female vocalist nominees. Might be difficult considering that YOU ALL HAVE STDS. #boomroasted
  27. MARTINA FUN FACT: Justin Moore is shorter than a list of Gloriana’s favorite Ernest Tubb songs.
  28. Congrats to Little Big Town on their first #1 hit. Maybe Kimberly can finally afford the rest of that poodle costume now.
  29. Vernon Dalhart had lady hands. (Too soon?)
  30. For anyone under the age of 90, just know that the Vernon Dalhart tweet was hilarious. Your grandma would’ve choked on her teeth.
  31. Remember when anyone cared about Bucky Covington? It was a different world.
  32. Yes, doing the Christmas tour again this year. It’d be silly to keep these 12 Vietnamese kids dressed as reindeer on payroll if I weren’t.
  33. Hunter Hayes : country singer :: Eddie Montgomery : nuclear physicist
  34. Headed to Switzerland on diplomatic mission to make them give back all the cheese they cheated us out of with those holes.
  35. What is it about being on a USO tour that makes people think I’m gonna do stuff for FREE? Autographs is 10 bucks, Billy Bob.
  36. Tim McGraw sells his own brand of headphones. You know, in case you heard “Truck Yeah” and thought “Wow, I wish I had his discerning ear.”
  37. Starting a juice fast. Grape only. Fermented.
  38. 37 minutes into juice fast. Emailing naked pictures of Joe Diffie to everyone on my contact list.
  39. Jana Kramer is dating Brantley Gilbert? To be followed shortly by news that Jana Kramer has the clap.
  40. Loretta Lynn has been with the Opry for 50 years. I once went 4 months without a DUI. I’d say it’s a toss-up, really.
  41. MARTINA FUN FACT: Luke Bryan and my youngest daughter wear jeans in the same style and size. She’s 7.
  42. Now that Billboard is basing the country charts on NON-COUNTRY airplay, the only remaining arbiter of musical quality is my fist.
  43. Ooh, TWO black male singers? Opry really catching up with the times. We’re only about 200 years away from being ready for you, Rissi Palmer.
  44. Hunter Hayes on “Ellen” today? Good luck telling them apart.
  45. Even after watching the debates, I still don’t REALLY know what either candidate would do about the wallet chain epidemic.
  46. A good costume is to wear a business suit and devil horns, and douse your perm in Crisco. If anyone asks, tell them you’re Scott Borchetta.
  47. Or make your son dress in white pants, white t-shirt, and black cowboy hat (Tim McGraw), then carry him around in a cage. You’re Mike Curb.
  48. Shania Twain rode a HORSE into Vegas? Is it too late to renegotiate her deal? Steve Wynn gave Garth a jet…
  49. Can’t wait until January, when I can wear green peacoats and curly-toed shoes again without people making ridiculous assumptions.
  50. I’m not saying Country Weekly has gone downhill, but the editor of USA Weekend just called it “frankly pretty insulting to my intelligence.”

I made it halfway through. Do I get a snack or something?

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