202 More Greatest Tweets of Drunken Martina

  

Best of Drunken MartinaWe first rounded up the greatest tweets of Drunken Martina three years ago, and the rabble-rousing Twitter parody account has been awfully busy since the first year covered by that first compilation. Here’s a generous sampling of what Drunken Martina has been up to since 2011.*

  1. Some girl on American Idol did one of my songs. I didn’t even recognize it without the slurred words and ad-libbed profanities.
  2. This year’s fan club party will be held inside my liquor cabinet. Too tall to fit in a liquor cabinet? YOU ARE NOT MY TARGET AUDIENCE.
  3. Talks for me to join next Celebrity Apprentice have stalled. They’re claiming Mojitos for Midgets isn’t a real charity.
  4. MARTINA FUN FACT: I’d rather have cicadas mating in both of my ear canals than hear “Country Girl (Shake It for Me)” again.
  5. Even if my daughter were a hooker, I think I’d still be saying “Well, at least she’s not a Brantley Gilbert fan…”
  6. I WILL be signing at Fan Fair, but NOT by request. I’m just gonna sneak up behind people and jab them with pens.
  7. Backstage at the Opry. Little Jimmy Dickens and I are playing leapfrog.
  8. New album taking longer than expected. Turns out all the songs I thought I had written were chili recipes.
  9. MARTINA FUN FACT: Lee Ann Womack can limbo under a loose staple.
  10. In terms of all-girl singing groups, my favorites are probably SHeDAISY and Lady Antebellum. Honorable mention to Eli Young Band.
  11. MARTINA FUN FACT: At any given moment, my blood alcohol content is greater than the combined IQs of Montgomery and Gentry.
  12. MARTINA CONFESSIONS: I still can’t tell Heidi Newfield and Bucky Covington apart.
  13. Not a philanthropist per se, but I do try to support good causes. For example, I just bought Josh Gracin a less revealing blouse.
  14. MARTINA FUN FACT: I think Justin Moore should call his fan club The Lollipop Guild.
  15. MARTINA FUN FACT: If you’re playing “Independence Day” at your 4th of July picnic, you probably don’t understand the song very well.
  16. Tried to pay for whiskey with a dollar bill. Bartender said “you’re a little short.” I screamed “YEAH, WHAT’S IT TO YOU!?”
  17. It’s true that I sing on Blake Shelton’s new album. But in my defense, when I agreed to do it, I thought he was Adam Levine.
  18. MARTINA FUN FACT: “Cheyenne Leaves Gloriana” sounds like the name of a dirty movie.
  19. MARTINI FUN FACT: They’re delicious.
  20. The only thing Jason Aldean has going for him is that he isn’t Brantley Gilbert.
  21. MARTINA FUN FACT: If your favorite ‘country band’ is Sugarland, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that your ‘lucky number’ is purple.
  22. Almost done with new album. Just waiting on vuvuzela players to come in and lay down some tracks.
  23. Not just an album title, “Eleven” is also the number of times Terri Clark has been mistaken for David Lee Murphy in the past week. Hey-O!
  24. Preparing tanks and artillery for upcoming media blitz. Manager says it’s not that kind of blitz, but you can never be too prepared.
  25. They weren’t kidding around when they called this Labor Day. Gary LeVox’s water just broke.
  26. There’s no official Martina fragrance… but just between you and me, spill anything 160 proof down the front of your shirt. That’s it.
  27. There’s a guy in Zac Brown’s band named Coy Bowels. Coincidentally, my new thrash metal group is called Reluctant Urethra.
  28. Got asked to sing national anthem at a football game. They didn’t specify a nation. I think some Lithuanians will be pleasantly surprised.
  29. MARTINA FUN FACT: Justin Moore is so short that he can base jump off of a Skoal can.
  30. MARTINA FUN FACT: All of Hunter Hayes’ heartbreak songs are based on the day Abercrombie sold out of girls’ polos.
  31. 1:21am. Getting ready to start my trick or treating, Nashville. If you don’t answer the door, I’ll kick it down.
  32. MARTINA FUN FACT: Justin Moore might technically be from the south, but most of his family works at the North Pole.
  33. Congratulations on being nominated for a Grammy. Oh… you’re not? Well, I am. Eat that, Wynonna.
  34. MARTINA FUN FACT: Justin Moore doesn’t understand why all the sleeping bags are red plush and hung over the fireplace.
  35. You call it ‘disturbing the peace,’ I call it aggressive caroling. With nunchucks. Agree to disagree, officer.
  36. Daughter just made the cutest gingerbread house. Think I might start using it as a workout room.
  37. MARTINA FUN FACT: I’d rather watch a Gilbert Gottfried sex tape than hear one more Brantley Gilbert song.
  38. I’d rather watch Naomi feed Wynonna like a mama bird than hear David Nail’s “Let It Rain” again.
  39. Don’t know about you guys, but I’m still coming down off the high of Richie McDonald rejoining Lonestar.
  40. MARTINA FUN FACT: I can deadlift 300 lbs. Maybe more if sober or using both hands.
  41. MARTINA FUN FACT: When I agreed to tour with George Strait, I assumed he’d be the opener.
  42. Don’t like to talk bad about anyone, but this guy they’re calling Strait might be a fraud. I remember he used to perform as Dusty Chandler.
  43. MARTINA FUN FACT: I kicked Gary LeVox in the balls ONE TIME 12 years ago. He still sings like that.
  44. Upon hearing of George Strait’s 59 consecutive #1s, Neal McCoy remarked, “Really? I also suffer from incontinence.”
  45. Working on set list for upcoming tour. What’s your favorite Iron Maiden song?
  46. MARTINA FUN FACT: Jake Owen’s hair is greasier than a Tahitian bordello.
  47. Um, guys? Being Rhett Akins’ son isn’t actually a talent.
  48. Just told Joe Don Rooney about Merle turning 75 today. He got all excited and said he loved her in “Sophie’s Choice.”
  49. Just asked Eric Church if he knows Billy Joe Shaver. He said “Naw, man, I use Schick.”
  50. MARTINA FUN FACT: There’s something ’bout a truck in a farmer’s field that makes me want to change the station.

* Drunken Martina is not affiliated with and does not necessarily represent the opinions of actual Martina McBride. Though McBride has, in infinite good humor, gone on record as being amused by it.

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