Fake Jamey Johnson should require no introduction. If you’re not familiar with him—which, frankly, speaks very poorly of your character and intellect—you can find all the necessary background information here.
Everyone up to speed? Excellent.
Now, enjoy these 12 Things You Didn’t Know About Fake Jamey Johnson, starting with…
1. Begins each day with heart-healthy serving of oatmeal. Prefers the ‘quick’ version so he has more time in his morning routine for beard maintenance.
2. Sometimes follows breakfast with a quick transatlantic swim.
3. Has a weekly “cowriting session” with Martina McBride.
4. ¡Tiene una barba magnífica! (Okay, you probably did know that one.)
5. 100% clear on actual meaning of “My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died.”
6. Shaves with full-strength Beard Buster every night before bed, to no avail.
7. Currently in talks to step in as new boss of Dunder Mifflin when Steve Carell leaves “The Office.”
8. Sleeps in refrigerator crisper drawer to keep beard extra-crunchy.
9. Passed on The 9513 Tour because unimpressed by paltry beards of Hayden and Kennedy.
10. Won rights to title of Savior of Country Music™ in a poker game with Dale Watson.
11. Taught Elvis most of what he knew about charisma and stage presence.
12. Uses Hootie & the Blowfish CDs as kindling.
Are You Ready to Take the Fake Jamey Johnson Challenge?
Grab your very own Fake Jamey cutout, send us some pictures of him out and about in your neck of the woods, and your adventures with Fake Jamey Johnson could be featured in the next edition! We’ll even publish them anonymously if you’re concerned about what your therapist might think.